im a monster, a loser and an ugly bastard all in one

Trvly a fun way to start the festive season this year with losing it all. I have never intended to hurt her. But im insecurities got the better of me, and i pushed her off the edge to a point of no return. Ive lost everything, and now no way to get it all back. I hold in my hands the carcass of the relationship, heart's empty and weak. I feel like puking and my head spinning just thinking about everything. There's no one here for me, nothing to keep me sane. I am crying inside but theres no way its showing on the outside. I cling on to the sliver of hope that thigns will work out in the future. But will the future ever be the same as before? Will anything ever be the same again? I only want to be happy, i never want to hurt her. Someone please help me find a way out. Ive lost my reason for motivation, my reason for being happy, my reason for being the best version that i am today. I want to move on, but will i ever be able to? Knowing her was an emotionla rollercoaster. Please. Help.

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